King Tutty

oo ch ch ah hah, boo ta boo ta boo ta boo

Hey Tutty, I’m gonna find your body

oo ch ch ah hah, boo ta boo ta boo ta boo

Hey Tutty, I’m gonna find your body

Got your rubies and your gold bars

And your hearts outside in a jar

When the planets line up divine, it’s the time

I’m gonna find

oo ch ch ah hah, boo ta boo ta boo ta boo

Hey Tutty, I’m gonna find your body


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we wish that life was like monopoly, roll the dice and pay me please

cash to assets, assets flow, acquisitions overflow

so push me into that lower bracket, i’ve got the means and ways to hack it

pay the engineers to crack it, decode the tax after badminton practice

and you know those pandering new york bloggers

who persuade the position of hipster nutrition?

i control their brains with pychoanalytic robotics, while they create hashtag trends

i tweak twitter economics

ya’ll are wrapped up in the routine of your jobs and your kids and your dogs and your wives

and it’s killing you softly, because you’re dying inside

i don’t need you, i don’t need anyone

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Big Theos Of The World

I am tall and fat once short and thin
a smooth soft face
shows crooked, leather grin
It’s fact and fate that we grow old and wait
I got eighty years to sit all alone in a cave

Hot grease in a pan, I eat what I can
It’s hard to make a crust
when you panhandlin’ dust
I roam all alone, touch the garbage sea foam

Editor’s note: DO NOT drink the foam

back to the corner, my friends get me stoned

My bed can be grass, but it’s littered with glass
I dream bricks of gold, I get laid in the folds
of my fat and my ca$h
how long will it last?*

Well I wake up to sirens and spit out yeller teeth
a new day a new dollar
Don’t drink Mickey’s, it’s green!

*the dream or the getting laid part?

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Talkin To Marvin

I outstretched my left arm and shook the stranger’s hand sitting opposite me. This was not typical behavior. The bus is just a bus to me, not a place to develop new relationships.
“Marvin”, he said.
“Do you live around here?” I asked. I was new to the city.
“Yeah, close by.”

Marvin had a sling on his arm, and I had to shake using my left. I’m right hand dominant, like most other people I’ve met.

“What happened to your arm?”
“Skiing accident last weekend, busted it up real bad on a black diamond.”
“Damn, that must have really fucked up your trip.”
“Yeah, I had to fly back from Salt Lake City with this fucker on, and I have to get my shit from the airport now.”
“You’re headed to the airport too?” I said.
“I forgot my baggage I was so pissed, are you going somewhere?”
“Just picking up a girl.” I wanted to sound cool about it.

I thought Marvin must be quite dull, not only was he accident prone, but he also forgot his belongings at the airport. I would never do that, I would never fucking forget my shit at the airport.

Marvin and I had small chat for the remainder of the journey. I had time to kill so we went to collect his stuff, then decided to meet my lady friend at the pick up area.

Julia came through the doors and I embraced her, she had just come in from Denver.

“Hey Julia, this is Marvin, we were on the same bus together. He had a skiing accident last week.”

Julia and Marvin shook left hands and struck up some conversation about their past experiences with broken bones, I never broke a bone in my life.

We took a fast train downtown, my lady friend was hungry so we decided to all get dinner at this Thai place I had heard of. I didn’t particularly enjoy Thai food, but Julia was a vegetarian. I didn’t mind Marvin coming, in fact, he would make me look real good in light of all the stupid shit he seemed to get himself into.

I sat next to Julia, and Marvin opposite her.

“Yeah, Denver has a killer underground music scene.” Throughout dinner, Marvin alluded to the extensive traveling he’d done, and in part, displayed a wealth of knowledge regarding ‘underground scenes’. Julia was soaking his bullshit up like a sponge, and it started to irritate me. The conversation consistently veered away from my own interests.

“I really like DeVotchKa right now, they’re from your neck of the woods, yeah?” Marvin asks.

“I fucking just saw them at Red Rocks, goddamn amazing show.” Julia exclaims.

The bill came, I didn’t let her pay. What I really wanted was to depart with Julia and say bye to Marvin.

“I really have to take a piss, I’ll be back in just a minute.” I excused myself.

I took a leak and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, slightly adjusted my hair, though it didn’t really make a difference

“Yeah, I’ll do way better when it’s just her and I, and she can see me up close.” Maybe she’ll let me fuck her, the thought excited me.

When I returned to the table, it was empty, the luggage gone. I walked outside. I walked around the block. I called Julia, desperately hoping that this was some stupid practical joke. It rang four times and went to voicemail. I wanted to say something, but hung up instead.

“FUCKING BITCH! This is some fucked up shit, GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!” I yelled, and began to attract attention.

Who does that! Who just leaves without saying anything, she came to see me for fucks sake! I didn’t get it, I was wildly confused by the situation. What had I done wrong?

Five minutes later, my bus came, I got on, and I didn’t talk to anyone. There was no fucking way another Marvin was going to fuck things up for me. If I ever saw him again, I’ll break his other arm.

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The Fan Wall

She’s not pregnant, just plain fat.
Something you can’t say about a girl.
But you can of a cat.
A witty quip
A titty clip
To squeezify
and milking drip

A Quentin nipple
looks like what?
Methinks a saggy turkey butt

Tang and Potcho
Higgins tap
Them trees taste wooder
and might bit sap!
Henry’s Trashcan
Trousers, trousing in Christmas trees
Bees with trousers in Greese
Grease on trousers and knees
Yee doth wear trousers in Winter?
Log, a log, a log a big trouser log
A button, a zip, a crip with baggy trousers
Gangsta motha’, strappin 9’s with denim trouser
Belt it up, you big fatty fraus, if you only you had a million buck
You’d be able to trous!

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The Multi-Directional Operating Thing

A dirt encrusted, mind melding house coat in a gelatinous concoction of darkness and sunlight. Strewn smooth amongst the house guests and myself. Exit to the highest tower you can see out the window. They are a golden beacon of light, duel majesty. Duel audio speaker with 6, 9 dimensional compressing parts that work together in a multi-directional operating fashion. IT’S ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL THAT YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THIS ONE TIME ONLY, LIMITED EDITION BARGAIN WITH FINE PRINT ATTACHED. TV’s are rattling, advertisements are dangled overhead like horse and carrot. It’s that day after Thanksgiving, turkey bone and ham leg are deep within our bellies.

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The Dude, He Doesn’t Care Anymore

My roommate is dwelling over the (more than) recent loss of her long-term relationship. She yells and cries, and I have to live in the same house as her. The dude, he doesn’t care anymore. My attitude, not unsympathetic, simply honest. The main gripe is the ex boyfriend moving on with another. Relationships can be a black hole.

Altruism is the principle or practice of unselfish concern for or devotion to the welfare of others. The dude, he doesn’t care anymore. He is not concerned with you and your feelings, he is concerned about his dick and how he plans to use it. We’re animals who eat and fuck and don’t care about you.

She cries in her room screaming, “how could he do this, we just broke up!” Six blocks away he is making another girl scream, “how did you do that?–we just had sex 10 minutes ago!”

Altruism is uncommon, especially when regarding penises and vagina. Don’t expect anybody to hold on, we always take care of ourselves before you.

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